My story: Part 3

So, I'm hoping this will be the last of the "My Story" series- since I'm sure you guys have read enough! This is actually the first time I've sat down to think and write about my past- it's kind of therapeutic even if it's way too much to read.

I left off last time as a senior in high school. Things weren't going very well and on top of it all my parents had given me more freedom so my eating disorder was running wild. During all of high school I would have weekly or monthly (depending on how I was doing) weight checks. Around the winter of my senior year I lost a lot of weight and began hiding weights under my gown so that my doctor would think that I weighed more than I did. I actually don't even remember how my secret was revealed, but once my true weight was known, my doctors and parents were shocked. My doctor told me that I needed to be hospitalized and began making phone calls that night. I remember bawling, and being terrified of my parents. I think though that in some ways I was relieved- I was in such a bad mental state that I think I just wanted to be taken care of. I wanted to be fed, I wanted the eating disorder to be gone- I just couldn't do it on my own.

A week later I was admitted into Strong hospital in Rochester, NY. This experience was definitely eye opening. I was put on a normal adolescent ward and surrounded by "normal patients"- a girl with kidney failure, another with cancer, and a guy who had skied off of a cliff and had to be strapped into a full body splint that rotated so that he didn't get bed sores.  I was here because I was scared to eat? The patients I was surrounded with were fighting death with all their strength yet I had put myself into this state by not eating and lying to my parents. In some ways I felt guilty, like I shouldn't be there. However, the nurse that ate my meals with me reminded me that this was a disease, I was fighting for my life just like the other patients on this ward and food was my medicine.

The first three days of being in the hospital I was on an all liquid diet- I had two Ensure for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks (but got the exciting choice of chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla- or even a combination of any or all three). Eventually I met with a nutritionist who walked through the hospital menu and helped me choose appropriate meal and snack choices. I would choose my meals for the week with her guidance. This was a challenge for me because the meals I had to choose from were foods I was terrified of- peanut butter, lasagna, chicken parmesan, meatloaf, ice cream, cinnamon rolls, etc. However, this taught me that I could eat these things and live to see the sun rise. In addition, my metabolism was so happy to be fed that I actually lost weight once I started eating meals and therefore and to increase my food intake.

My hospital stay lasted seventeen days. During this time I met two other girls suffering eating disorders and together we struggled to eat our meals, sit through therapy, and make efforts at getting rid of our eating disorders and gaining back our normal lives. It was definitely strange sleeping in a hospital bed for that amount of time. I was woken up every morning at 5:30 am when the nurses did their rounds to be weighed and have blood draw. While the transition back home was difficult, I definitely adjusted quickly to my own bed. My parents and I made the decision that I would gain the rest of the weight I needed at home as opposed to going to another outpatient or part time treatment center. I was committed to gaining the weight this time with the stipulation that if I did I would be able to go to college in the fall.

As you may have concluded I was able to go to college in the fall. I worked hard to stay accountable and gain the necessary weight back. It was hard, mentally and physically, but I was determined. I hope that this story has not triggered anyone. I just want everyone to be aware of the dire consequences of eating disorders and the ways they ruin lives. I also want you to understand what I've been through in order to better understand my current daily struggles. I would love to hear people's responses and am glad to answer any and all questions!

My story: Part 2

So I left off last time being terrified of eating basically anything unless I had the ability to throw it back up. My therapist, doctor, and parents all decided that if I could gain some weight at home I wouldn't have to go into a residential program. This was enough incentive for me to attempt to gain weight and eat. My parents used the Maudsley method, which as it says on the website is a family based treatment of adolescent anorexia nervosa. This worked to an extent and I was able to gain enough weight that my health wasn't in danger. I think that the problem for me however was that since I was in high school, it wasn't as simple as just gaining the weight back. I hadn't addressed any underlying issues as to why I felt the need to lose weight in the first place. Furthermore, I didn't feel a connection with my therapist and was scared of telling her how I really felt. I often lied during therapy sessions just to get through them. For the rest of ninth grade my parents would take me out of school for lunch and we would sit in the car or go outside somewhere and eat. My mom really struggled with seeing me in this mental and physical state so for the most part my dad would come and have lunch with me. While this was such a mental battle, I began to enjoy spending time with my dad and by the end of school even looked forward to our lunch dates.

I don't exactly remember when I stopped eating my meals with my parents, but when sophomore year came around I was starting to get back into old habits. I lost a substantial amount of weight again and was sent away to a residential eating disorders program for about six weeks. This was a difficult time for me; my mom and I weren't on the best of terms so my dad would mainly come and visit. I definitely learned a lot during this time and seeing the adults in the program motivated me to want to get better. For the first time I learned that I could eat foods I enjoyed and I wouldn't gain twenty pounds over night. I also learned a lot about myself in therapy and group sessions. It was hard leaving school for that amount of time. A lot of people asked where I went, and while I did tell my close friends, I felt uncomfortable sharing with most of my classmates what I was going through. Everyone was really understanding though and I had a lot of support from my teachers and friends.

Things went well for awhile. My parents began to trust me to eat my meals without them and I felt more comfortable with the weight I had gained. I liked not obsessing over food or having to find a bathroom after every meal. At some point though, I reverted back to thinking that I could stay in recovery even if I lost a few pounds. Soon enough a few pounds turned into a lot.

The summer between junior and senior year of high school I went to another outpatient program in a town about an hour away Monday through Friday. This program used calorie counting as a method of meal planning. This seemed to work for me since I am a very analytical and numbers oriented person. Looking back, I think I liked this method because it still put me in control of everything. In my worst stages of my eating disorder I would obsessively count calories and that is essentially what I was doing in this program, however I had a much higher "allotted" calorie count. I think I was only half in recovery. I wanted to stop the behaviors, I was sick of always thinking about food, but I was terrified of gaining weight. I had it in my mind that if I could just stay at a low weight and eat healthily I would be fine. Unfortunately, this mentality stuck with me through my senior year which led me to the worst relapse that I had.

Sorry for the length of this. I will continue later!!

My story: Part 1

I know I don't have any followers right now, but I figured that maybe that means this is the best time to begin opening up about my struggles and goals for the blog.

When I was younger (middle school age) I was a competitive gymnast. I worked out about 16-20 hours a week and spent most weekends competing. My summers involved practice Monday-Friday from 9-4 with a two hour lunch break. I quit in 8th grade as a level eight gymnast. After many injuries and pressure from my mom to quit, I guess I decided it was finally time. This was a difficult transition; my life was all about gymnastics, that was who I was, I loved it. For the first time in my life I had all this free time. I didn't know what to do with myself. When I was a gymnast, weight was the last thing on my mind. I really didn't know or care what I weighed. I think quitting gymnastics left me without an identity. It also left me without a way of coping with normal middle school aged drama. Somehow at the end of 8th grade I began to equate my weight with my worth. I began to weigh myself and became obsessed with the number on the scale. I began exercising a lot and trying to avoid eating. Eventually, this led to bingeing which ultimately led to bingeing and purging behaviors in high school.

Enter 9th grade. I had lost a few pounds. I was never big to begin with- I was always muscular and people would comment on how tiny yet strong I was. These few pounds lost (while they felt victorious for me) were largely unnoticed by my friend and family. It wasn't until halfway through ninth grade that my parents expressed concern. My mom confronted me about my purging behaviors and the amount of weight lost. She took me to see my doctor who told me I needed to gain some weight back or I would have to go into a residential program. This scared the living crap out of me so I attempted to gain the weight. Unfortunately by this time, my thinking had already started to become obsessive. Suddenly a cracker wasn't just a cracker but 30 calories. I remember one poignant time sitting at the table staring at a glass of milk, some saltines, and maybe some nuts and bawling while my dad urged me to eat it. I was terrified. The "voices" in my head kept telling me how fat I would get if I touched the food.

Sorry for stopping in the middle but I will continue this tomorrow! Goodnight all!