My story: Part 2

So I left off last time being terrified of eating basically anything unless I had the ability to throw it back up. My therapist, doctor, and parents all decided that if I could gain some weight at home I wouldn't have to go into a residential program. This was enough incentive for me to attempt to gain weight and eat. My parents used the Maudsley method, which as it says on the website is a family based treatment of adolescent anorexia nervosa. This worked to an extent and I was able to gain enough weight that my health wasn't in danger. I think that the problem for me however was that since I was in high school, it wasn't as simple as just gaining the weight back. I hadn't addressed any underlying issues as to why I felt the need to lose weight in the first place. Furthermore, I didn't feel a connection with my therapist and was scared of telling her how I really felt. I often lied during therapy sessions just to get through them. For the rest of ninth grade my parents would take me out of school for lunch and we would sit in the car or go outside somewhere and eat. My mom really struggled with seeing me in this mental and physical state so for the most part my dad would come and have lunch with me. While this was such a mental battle, I began to enjoy spending time with my dad and by the end of school even looked forward to our lunch dates.

I don't exactly remember when I stopped eating my meals with my parents, but when sophomore year came around I was starting to get back into old habits. I lost a substantial amount of weight again and was sent away to a residential eating disorders program for about six weeks. This was a difficult time for me; my mom and I weren't on the best of terms so my dad would mainly come and visit. I definitely learned a lot during this time and seeing the adults in the program motivated me to want to get better. For the first time I learned that I could eat foods I enjoyed and I wouldn't gain twenty pounds over night. I also learned a lot about myself in therapy and group sessions. It was hard leaving school for that amount of time. A lot of people asked where I went, and while I did tell my close friends, I felt uncomfortable sharing with most of my classmates what I was going through. Everyone was really understanding though and I had a lot of support from my teachers and friends.

Things went well for awhile. My parents began to trust me to eat my meals without them and I felt more comfortable with the weight I had gained. I liked not obsessing over food or having to find a bathroom after every meal. At some point though, I reverted back to thinking that I could stay in recovery even if I lost a few pounds. Soon enough a few pounds turned into a lot.

The summer between junior and senior year of high school I went to another outpatient program in a town about an hour away Monday through Friday. This program used calorie counting as a method of meal planning. This seemed to work for me since I am a very analytical and numbers oriented person. Looking back, I think I liked this method because it still put me in control of everything. In my worst stages of my eating disorder I would obsessively count calories and that is essentially what I was doing in this program, however I had a much higher "allotted" calorie count. I think I was only half in recovery. I wanted to stop the behaviors, I was sick of always thinking about food, but I was terrified of gaining weight. I had it in my mind that if I could just stay at a low weight and eat healthily I would be fine. Unfortunately, this mentality stuck with me through my senior year which led me to the worst relapse that I had.

Sorry for the length of this. I will continue later!!

Running and weight gain

image source:http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-242-304--11903-0,00.html

So I woke up this morning at 6:30 am to meet one of my assistant coaches- C.Rob for a lovely run. We took it slowly and chatted the entire time. One of the topics we discussed was running and weight. A lot of people talk about an "ideal competition weight." For some this ideal weight is less than they weigh and for others it's more. He told me about a runner that went to my school a few years ago. Since then, she's moved on to bigger and better things yet running still remains a huge aspect of her life. In a conversation with C.Rob, she told him that since college she's probably gained about five pounds but is currently running better than ever.

I have yet to finish my story, and will continue with it later on today, but one of my goals for the summer is to gain some weight. I know that I need it to be healthy, but I also think having the extra muscle will help me. It's been difficult running and trying to gain weight. It is also difficult, as some of you may know, to deal with the changes your body goes through as it is gaining weight. I have found from past experiences that I have to just allow myself to feel uncomfortable with the extra "padding" and in time I will get used to and learn to love it. I think that this is something I just need to keep reminding myself of. In addition, I need to focus on the benefits of gaining weight as well as the dangers of running while underweight. I need to remind myself that with weight gain and good nutrition comes better bone mass (less risk of stress fractures), better iron levels (no iron deficiancy/ lead legs), and more muscle mass. All of these things will serve to improve my running performance. I will keep you updated on how I plan to gain weight as well as my progress. One thing that has helped with the mental aspect is to look at strong runners. So many elite women runners look emaciated or underweight, I think that it's important to have healthy looking role models. I hope that this was a semi informative post! See you later!

Molly Huddle- American 5k record holder- 14:44.76- you bet she has muscles to power her through that!

I'm pretty sure most people know who Kara Goucher is- but look at her leg muscles!

Emma Willard is an amazing and muscular steeplechase runner

Have any of you struggled with gaining weight while running?
How do you deal with the mental aspect of gaining weight?
Who are some healthy role models you look up to (athletes, celebrities, real people)?

My story: Part 1

I know I don't have any followers right now, but I figured that maybe that means this is the best time to begin opening up about my struggles and goals for the blog.

When I was younger (middle school age) I was a competitive gymnast. I worked out about 16-20 hours a week and spent most weekends competing. My summers involved practice Monday-Friday from 9-4 with a two hour lunch break. I quit in 8th grade as a level eight gymnast. After many injuries and pressure from my mom to quit, I guess I decided it was finally time. This was a difficult transition; my life was all about gymnastics, that was who I was, I loved it. For the first time in my life I had all this free time. I didn't know what to do with myself. When I was a gymnast, weight was the last thing on my mind. I really didn't know or care what I weighed. I think quitting gymnastics left me without an identity. It also left me without a way of coping with normal middle school aged drama. Somehow at the end of 8th grade I began to equate my weight with my worth. I began to weigh myself and became obsessed with the number on the scale. I began exercising a lot and trying to avoid eating. Eventually, this led to bingeing which ultimately led to bingeing and purging behaviors in high school.

Enter 9th grade. I had lost a few pounds. I was never big to begin with- I was always muscular and people would comment on how tiny yet strong I was. These few pounds lost (while they felt victorious for me) were largely unnoticed by my friend and family. It wasn't until halfway through ninth grade that my parents expressed concern. My mom confronted me about my purging behaviors and the amount of weight lost. She took me to see my doctor who told me I needed to gain some weight back or I would have to go into a residential program. This scared the living crap out of me so I attempted to gain the weight. Unfortunately by this time, my thinking had already started to become obsessive. Suddenly a cracker wasn't just a cracker but 30 calories. I remember one poignant time sitting at the table staring at a glass of milk, some saltines, and maybe some nuts and bawling while my dad urged me to eat it. I was terrified. The "voices" in my head kept telling me how fat I would get if I touched the food.

Sorry for stopping in the middle but I will continue this tomorrow! Goodnight all!

Terrific Tuesday

Today was a long day. As mentioned before, I woke up early (7 for me is pretty early given that I'm used to going to bed after midnight) then went in to work until 4:30. Don't worry. I had an awesome breakfast before going in to work. I made an attempt at Katelyn's cookie dough in a bowl, but didn't have any Amazing Grass Superfood Powder, therefore my bowl (or tupperware in my case) included 1/3 cup of 1% milk, a scoop of protein powder, and 1/3 cup instant oats. It came out pretty well, reminded me of a more moist (great usage right?) version of a breakfast cookie.

This breakfast held me over well until lunchtime. I made myself a turkey and cheese panini on Pepperidge Farm Whole Grain Seeded Rye (this bread is awesome- even better is that it contains no high fructose corn syrup!) with pickles, lettuce, dijon mustard, garlic and herb Mrs. Dash, and Frank's Original Red hot sauce. Along with my panini I had some (unpictured) baby carrots and fresh strawberries.

Look at the size of that strawberry!!

After relaxing for awhile reading my new Runners World and munching on some Utz special dark pretzels and almonds, I went to yoga at 6. I love yoga, it's so meditative and relaxing in different ways than running. When I first started it was hard to focus and my mind would wander all over the place- specifically about how much pain I was in. Now I find it easier to focus on the moment and enjoy all the good things yoga does for me.

After a quick and satisfying dinner while talking to my mom on the phone, I headed back to the lab. I'm here at school doing research for the summer. I'm currently watching Modern Family on my computer and "heat shocking" virgin fruit flies (I'll go into more detail on this later). I hope to get out of here soon so I can get to bed. Hope you all had a wonderful Tuesday. Goodnight!

Whats your favorite type of sandwich bread?
Do any of you enjoy yoga along with your other fitness routines?

Peace of mind

I woke up this morning at 7:15 so that I could run before going in to work at 9. I brought my breakfast, clothes to change in to, and a clean towel to the field house so that I could go straight to work after my run. This week I'm aiming for around 30 miles. I ran 27 last week, so I'm slowly trying to build up. With a day off this week, that means I'm aiming to average around 4.5-5.5 miles a day. Yesterday I ran around 5 and it was HOT! For some reason, in Lewisburg, PA the highest temperatures always occur around 4-6.

This morning however, it was a cool and crisp 68 degrees. This morning I ran 4.7 miles at around 7:13 pace. It was so peaceful. It was one of those days where I felt like I could run forever. I was a relaxed and let my mind wonder. Even though it was an easy pace, I was still pretty sweaty when I got back. At the field house I did some abs and the mandatory pushups then hopped in the shower to continue my day.

Protein Balls

I am a sucker for freebies. The other day I received these in the mail from a deal I found on sweetfreestuff.com. I was excited to try them, especially given that they were Fudge Brownie! I planned to run after work and decided that these would be the perfect pre and post run fuel. I liked that they came in a resealable bag since I don't think my stomach could handle the full serving (that would be quite a few balls!). I wasn't too impressed with the taste. I don't know if they were stale, but they were a little dry and chalky tasting. I don't usually eat PowerBars though so maybe thats just how they taste. They back a bit of protein in them as well as a good ratio of carbs and fats which, according to the package is perfect for pre and post exercise. I don't think I would buy these on my own, however I do like the idea of portable balls (hehe). I think I would rather make my own in the future though.

Hello!

I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog ever since I first read Carrots N' Cake a few years ago.  I am entering my last summer of being a college student and decided it was finally time to start my own. Ever since ninth grade I've struggled with eating issues. Throughout high school I was in and out of programs and had one hospital visit (more on this later). Thankfully I was able to enter college and these past three years have been the best and often scariest times of my life. I still deal with those nagging thoughts on occasion and sometimes let them even control what or how I eat. This blog is an effort to remain accountable and chronicle my struggles and efforts as I learn to eat intuitively.

Hope to talk to and/or hear from you soon!